What not to do on your Tinder profile?

What not to do on your Tinder profile?

  1. More than one selfie
  2. Duck faceDukc_face
  3. You amongst lots of people, we just give up as we don’t know which person you are, and we have no time to play detective.
  4. You looking like you’re licking somebody’s ear or face.
  5. Kids. Yes, kids. Tinder is full of kids’ pictures although it is an adults’ app. Seriously parents and family: have you considered these children’s privacy and safety?
  6. You looking like on steroids/any type of drugs.
  7. For men: with long hair, especially if it’s all grey. Get a haircut and take 20 years off your face.cool-hairstyles-for-men-long-hair
  8. You showing off your love handles/6 packs: off-putting for a lot of us. Not everyone, I know, I know…
  9. You 5 or 10 years ago. Select pictures that are 12 months max.
  10. You looking 5 or 10 stones slimmer from years ago. You think s/he won’t notice when you meet?
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Letting you go…and it feels so right.

This morning, I let go of someone. I decided I was going to stop hoping and waiting. And being there for a person who obviously didn’t want me that much.

Good_bye

If you feel something is wrong, there is something wrong. The right person feels right. Sometimes, you can’t exactly pinpoint what’s wrong, but you have a gut feeling this person isn’t right for you, more often you know exactly what bothers you: it is usually a list of things, they do add up, don’t they? This was my case and I only needed a few days to make my decision, although it wasn’t supposed to happen today. But there was a last drop this morning, which precipitated things. He didn’t expect it, as he’s a good looking man and he knows it, very self-confident. Women must usually wait for him or be – too – patient, because he seemed surprised. It always amazes me that a man thinks a woman is just going to put up with such bad treatment: low commitment level, alternating between absent and mediocre communication, many emojis but no phone call.

When you’re in your 40s, no such time for that, and what a good thing I had never completely disconnected from the dating apps. Nor had he. This rang alarm bells in me and my friends, who were honest enough to remind me what that meant, even if there was no need. So here we go, I let him go, wished him well. He replied that I was great and he wished me the best. I guess I won’t be the last one he won’t be honest with. But this isn’t my problem anymore. He’s on Tinder and Happn and will charm you for sure, unless you can’t do balding men, and in that case you will have swept left and will never meet him!

What will probably stick in my memory box is that he had one of the best views of London and I did spend my first night there looking at it. I knew my visits to this flat would be scarce, even its perfection seemed wrong and soulless. He also did something terrible. Hence, he will never be forgotten. But this is for another post.

One of the best things about dates

The music recommendations. When 2 music fans meet, regardless of chemistry, they exchange music memories and recommendations. We talk about past and future concerts. We go on Youtube and show each other our favourite singers and bands’ videos.

This happened again today, L. gave me some names and links, I had a feeling I was going to like them and oh boy… I got home and listened to them, I knew the first one, song theme of a series I loved last year…and absolutely loved the second, found one of their spring gigs and booked it straight away, feeling so lucky tickets were still available.

In January, another date gave me a few recommendations that I also loved, it’s been a few good weeks for new music discoveries. These dates might not lead to anything, but at least I have some great times ahead listening to these new names. I’ve just had an amazing dance with this band live. This salsa class last Sunday was certainly a good idea, sexy moves, now in my bedroom, maybe soon elsewhere. In the meantime, in a world where dating is a sad world – watch ‘Hang the DJ’, Black Mirror’s last season episode for an even worse dating world -, music still brings people together and certainly helps create connections and maybe something more?

14 highs about being single

A few days ago, a friend of mine attended an event, where, when she introduced herself has a kid-free single woman, all the other – married with kids – women present – screamed in unison : You’re soooo lucky!

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As a singleton who has had to get a mortgage and pay and all the bills by myself for the last few years in our capital City, I’m only too aware of the benefits of the mental and financial support – if only to share bills and rent/mortgage, that’s the minimum, right? – a partner brings in [or should anyway]. However, these ladies obviously saw something we don’t. And not just something, but some…things:

  1. We don’t have to compromise on holiday destinations and dates. I once had a boyfriend who hated holidays abroad but wouln’t admit it to me. He would make our holidays a misery.
  2. We don’t have a screaming baby to feed day and night, no school runs.School_run
  3. We don’t have to share the chocolate/ice-cream/remote/wait for the other one for that next Netflix episode.
  4. We don’t have to hear from a man who’s getting fatter by the day, that’s he is going to get fit and lose that belly once he’s off work for 6 months and will sort it then. He won’t.
  5. The obvious one: we only have to clean on our mess/pick up our own socks/tights/ crumbs/tea bags.Makeup_shelves
  6. We have all the wardrobe and flat space to ourselves, yes, yes, yes! All this space is ours. No competition bikes or useless techy stuff. This is one single perk I shall miss when Mister Right For Me and me end up in the same space, before the end of the decade – the eternal optimistic, moi! MRFM, do not worry, I have started decluttering you know, I like to anticipate and aim towards minimalism, I said ‘aim’.                                                                                                                               Bookshelves
  7.  We do not have to negotiate the bin/recycling/zero waste with anyone. We just do it. And we do it our way.
  8.  There are no arguments about money. Just complaints about the lack of…to friends and family, who sympathize…but have forgotten what it’s like.

 

9. We spend money the way we like. There’s no subtle hint about the unnecessary 10th coat we have bought or 30th face mask which is so much needed to get rid of the January zombie face.

10. We have the bed to ourselves.

11. We don’t have to fake.

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12. We don’t have to console a man who is unhappy about his job/triathlon/marathon results, or drive around the man who has broken his leg skiing, because he obviously was doing off-piste and being unreasonable…

13. If we are a veggie or a vegan, we don’t have to endure mansplaining about why we should eat meat.

14. And no mansplaining – and unsollicited advice – about why our blog would look so much better if we only did this and that…

I have forgotten many more. Please add yours in the comments. What do you love being single? What do you hate?

 

Dating: How to mess up your first phone call

You’ve connected on a dating app. He or you has decided to make a phone call to get to know the other better (to decide whether to go on a date or not). In my experience, only about a man out of 5 will initiate this. I usually agree, it’s a great way to assess if you want to meet someone or not. And as a busy person, I prefer a failed phone call than a failed date, that I will have prepared and travelled for.

Woman_on_phone

 

I still laugh about an ex of mine who had asked ‘phone call advice’ to a female friend of his. However, a phone call is a big deal if you’re not good on the phone, shy, or not fluent in the language of the country. I don’t like the phone, but if it can save me time, I will use it. And I still remember the great first phone call I had with that ex. I even remember where I was 10 years later. Phone calls will make it or break it.

This phone call didn’t go well. What happened?

First, the man organized it in a very business manner, insisting we are busy people and have no time to waste.  The message was:

Hi Electra, Busy people. Would you like to plan for a phone call? I’m not interested in texting (fair enough, me neither). Not the insisting type also. A

Not happy man on_phone

Everything was very cold and business like, there was no seduction or playfulness. I was making a banana cake the hour preceeding the agreed time. I had a time deadline as I wanted the cake to be in the oven for when he would call, to focus on the conversation. The tray was in the oven by 8.29pm and he called at 8.30 sharp, like he had promised.

He started by saying in an accusatory tone: ‘your’re in the kitchen‘, because the connection wasn’t great. He guessed in what room I was, that was a bit spooky. I mentioned that I was indeed, as I had just finished baking a cake. He didn’t seem happy and didn’t use this to make a joke or mention his or my love of cakes. He should have, that would have set the tone of the conversation, and talking about cakes is always nice and unserious. I asked how he was, no reply. There was a silence, I asked again how he was and being annnoyed already by his lack of initiative or humour, I asked if he had any question. He replied that we were both intelligent people and that he didn’t have to be the one asking questions. Right. Feeling this was turning unpleasant, I said this wasn’t going to work and made my – needless to say VERY quick – good byes…This saved me from going on a date with someone way too serious with no sense of humour.

sad_woman_phone

 

Indeed, a man doesn’t have to be the one asking questions, however, if you’re the one asking for a phone call and being anal about the time of the phone call, well, show this woman you have conversation and a sense of humour. Failing that, it’s…good bye. If you want to save yourself prep time ladies, do the phone call. It can be a very painful 2 or 5 minutes, but you’ll then be relieved you didn’t travel to meet this person. My cake is now ready! Have you ever had terrible first phone calls? Or great ones? What is your experience? Please write them in the comments.

 

Date talk: reveal and ask at your peril

Amongst friends, we all debrief about shocking things and that have been said during dates. A date is a fragile moment: things can take off or go completely finito, and this even quicker than it takes to drink your latte/mojito. One will always leave with some ‘key sentences’ that won’t ever be forgotten, either because you felt hurt by a comment or question, or because it is a question you didn’t think should be asked and replied reluctantly or declined to reply and then you looked suspicious or uncool – you get my gist, right? The list of what can go wrong is very long. Here are a few examples of how to create chaos or kill your first date:

  1. When did you last sleep with someone? Seriously, is that any of your business? If you reply ‘a few days ago’, you look like you sleep around – man or woman – if you reply ‘many months/years ago’, you appear…what? Please reply in the comments. This is very dangerous grounds. This provokes other questions which you might not want to get into right now.couple-love-water-summer.jpg
  2. Talking about your ex, a ‘no no’ on a first date.
  3. Saying how crazy your ex was: we’ve all heard it, the ex is always mad. Actually, yes and no, most of the time, she is mad, but I once had a date who liked his ex so much he told me at length, on our second date, about how much they were seeing each other and how he had just bought her a great sofa for her new living-room. That really put me off.
  4. Not revealing you have children, if you haven’t written about it on your dating profile. This is lying by omission. The person will discover it sooner or later. Spit it out now, if the person likes you, it will go down well. If it doesn’t, it doesn’t. Next person. The same with HIV, if you are HIV positive – or have any other STD by the way – you’d better let the other person know – before any action gets done. At least s/he can make his/her own decision, and will respect the fact you’ve said it. Honesty is crucial in relationships, so you might as well start…with honesty.
  5. Ask how long the person’s longest relationship was. You’re obviously asking that to judge and assess the potential of your date. If it’s a lot shorter than you expected, you might make the wrong conclusions about the wo/man. In that case, do not judge, but ask why. This will tell you more about the person than the number previous mentioned. pexels-photo-297351.jpeg
  6. Say you don’t have any hobbies. This will kill your date and any future possibilities. Nobody wants somebody who says that.
  7. Ask dating/dating app advice. I am often asked that, although not directly, and I find it very sad. If you want dating advice and counsel, you should ask your friends, colleagues, or watch dating coach videos, there are plenty, and your date won’t feel pity for you. Pity isn’t sexy. A woman -especially – is on a date to be swept off her feet, not to be a date coach.
  8. Reveal that you don’t have many matches. Don’t! What do you think saying you’re not popular provokes in your date? lifestyle-atmosphere-drink-eat-73399.jpeg
  9. Ask why s/he is still single as s/he is very pretty/handsome. This implies there is something wrong with the person opposite. You are not going to make the person feel very nice. And you know what? You want your date to feel great when s/he is with you. You will know soon enough if you see each other again, may you be so lucky. Maybe the person has high standards. Saying that, if you meet someone over 35 who is single, it is a good question to ask yourself, or try to find out. Usually, all the good men are taken at that age. But I know a lot of great single women in their 30s/40s/50s. This is why I’m thinking of creating my own matching agency. Private matcher, how cool would that be?
  10. Say you were a virgin until 35 (true story). If that is the case, keep that to yourself, or you’ll scare your date away, for lots of reasons. You might be STD free, which is fantastic, but why did it take you so long? Sorry, I’m judging here, you have your reasons. What were they? Please write them in the comments.

Of course, this will all depends on context and how kind – or nasty – the person was. So much depends on how it is said, context and more. But be careful, especially if you intend to see the person again, some things are NEVER forgotten, however insignificant they can seem to you. Last but least, if you want to kill your date, forget your wallet or make a comment about how cheap or expensive the bill was. This is a delicate topic too, for another post.

 

Tinder: How to mess up your first date?

  1. Say you spend all your time working.
  2. Say you don’t have any hobbies.
  3. Dragging the date on although the other person said s/he was leaving
  4. Be negative.

bad-first-date

5. Ask your date for a second date whilst you’re still sitting in the coffee place, and after s/he said ‘no’ (nicely with with conviction), implying that s/he made the wrong decision by listing the reasons why a person should be met several times.

6. Look at other women all the time.

7. Criticising your date’s country and people.

8. Making a tiny but revealing comment about the bill, showing you’re stingy.

9. Looking desperate.

10. Being so desperate that your date gives you dating app management advice because by then, s/he feels a lot of pity for you.